Alternately entitled: “The Biggest Honkin’ Blog Post About Hanky Panky You Ever Did See”
This post has been a year in the making. And it has finally come together.
As the Replenish Your Soul Marriage Conference wraps up today, I’m passionately mounting my soap box on this massively under-talked about topic, and making all my conference notes & resources available to you right here.
Here we go!
Picture this…
The kids are finally down and my sweet man walks through the door. It’s been a long day for him, but he’s finally home in his haven, so his guard drops, and he’s recharged…and there stands his woman. Halle-lujah!
I, on the other hand, have been home in this ‘haven’ with the kids all day. I smell like a science experiment, my hair resembles that of Joe Dirt’s on a bad day and is now only slightly longer than my leg hair, and my well-loved yoga pants could probably stand up on their own and will need to be beaten down with a stick to conform to the laundry drum. Which reminds me, the laundry is still piled high on our bed. And those dinner dishes are still taunting me. Ugh.
I have, by this point in the motherhood adventure, come to understand that there is a massive chasm between feeling like a ‘mom’, and feeling like a ‘woman’. I do not remotely resemble the latter.
He cares not. He gives me one of ‘those’ smiles, followed by the ‘hey, sexy!’ embrace.
I adore his presence and while I love the attention, I’m very aware of my wall going up. After all, the extent of intelligible conversation I’ve had today was about fishy crackers, poop, and the hibernation pattern of brown bears. Needless to say, it was wildly exhilarating, and I’m mentally fried. And by this point in the day, my physical affection tank is beyond maxed out.
I crave intimacy, really I do. Somewhere deep down in there. It just needs to be beckoned. Wooed. I long to be connected with emotionally first. Power washed, maybe.
He can sense this distance developing and shuts down a little. Seeing his spirit deflate, I try reconnecting emotionally and by the time the kettle has boiled, he’s fast asleep on the couch, and I’m left lamenting the distance between us.
No, it’s not romantic. It’s pathetic, really. But it’s not uncommon in many marriages today.
It is estimated that one in three married couples struggle with mismatched sexual desire. One study even found that 20 percent of couples have sex fewer than 10 times a year.
This is tragic. This is not the red hot monogamy God intends for marriages.
SEX. It’s everywhere, except where it matters most.
We live in a sexually saturated culture, with the only voice we ever hear being the corrupted, addicted, perverted one of the world, exploited by the media. Why on earth is the church mum on this topic?
Why are we allowing our sex lives to slip down the tube, unnoticed, undiscussed, as though it were not the magnificent gift – and powerful weapon – it is?
Speak up!
We’ve bought into the lie that it’s the ‘heathens’ that get to have the fun, wild, creative sex…and we, the prim and proper church folks, get relegated to the ‘missionary position’ {pun intended}; the boring, predictable, two dimensional left-overs.
Seriously. Enough with that nonsense!
We should be talking as loudly, if not louder, about this mysterious gift God gave his most beloved creation, mankind. Sex is mind-blowingly incredible…and it’s because God made it that way. On purpose!
God intended for the marriage bed to be a place of toe-curling, kick-the-nightstand-over sex; madly passionate, deliciously intimate connectedness.
Why do we settle for so much less?
And why aren’t we prioritizing it more? It gets bumped to the bottom of the to-do list, along with grooming the dog and cleaning the gutters.
Not really, but you get the idea.
We’re doing our marriages, and our children’s future marriages, a disservice by not talking about this subject.
It’s time to saddle up {ahem} and speak bold, unashamed truth about the power and purpose and profound impact sexual intimacy – or the lack thereof – has on our marriages.
The marriage relationship was designed to be a tangible expression of God’s heart toward His church; a great love-affair marked by unconditional love, passion, faithfulness, selfless service, and vibrant communication.
Sex is dear to God’s heart, and anything dear to His heart, Satan tries to steal, distort and misuse as a weapon against the heart of man.
Only something as powerful as this rouses the enemy to corrupt to such an extreme. Just read the news. On second thoughts, don’t.
What a devastatingly destructive weapon sex has become in this world. At the core, it is lust, unabashedly tainted by greed and selfishness, with a voracious hunger for power and control, and it often results in addiction.
Let me be clear when I say, this is not the sex I’m talking about.
I want to look at the stunningly intimate, life-giving, spirit mingling gift of sex between a husband and wife.
* I realize what I’m sharing may not apply to some of the women reading this {you know, the ones enjoying fabulous sex 4.25 times a week…why you, you can just pray for the rest of us!}, but I believe a great deal of hurting, dissatisfied women who have no one to talk to about this uncomfortable topic can relate to them.
Please know, too, that none of this is intended to offend or discourage you. My heart in researching and speaking boldly about sex in marriage is to expose lies we believe, enlighten you to truths we miss, and encourage you to press in to what God desires for your marriage.
While the church is decidedly silent on this topic, God most certainly isn’t.
Genesis 1:28 says “Be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth”…this charge was made before sin entered the world, while they were naked and unashamed, and rockin’ it. And God declared it all good!
But it isn’t – contrary to many opinions in the church – just about being fruitful and multiplying. It’s also, very very much, about enjoying each other.
In fact, research shows that there is no reproductive purpose behind the presence of the clitoris on a woman. And if God was intentional about creating every intricate little part of our bodies, and I believe He was {Psalm 139:13-16}, then He put it there purely for our pleasure! Woah mama.
Well, there you have it, folks! Sex is a deliciously precious gift from our heavenly Father.
{are you blushing yet?}
Shannon Ethridge, in her book The Sexually Confident Wife, paints the picture perfectly by describing a scenario in which she painstakingly crafts an entire tray of delectable California rolls for her sushi-loving daughter. Leaving them on the top shelf of the fridge with a note that says, “Enjoy! I love you!”, she’s hurt to discover – after days of them sitting there – that her daughter hasn’t even touched them. Upon enquiring, she’s told, “I was afraid you’d judge me if I enjoyed them too much”.
She draws a powerful parallel by saying, “perhaps rather than fear offending God with our sexual expression, we should fear offending God by our lack of it”.
Enjoying, honoring and getting to intimately know each other is foundational in a God-centered marriage. Which is exactly why, in Deuteronomy 24:5, it was instructed that “a newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married”.
Taking it to the next level, we’re also plainly told to not withhold offering our bodies to our spouses – in other words, do not use sex as a tool of manipulation or a weapon of punishment – seeing it is, after all, not all about us. It’s about serving one another…
“But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control” 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 {NIV}
An incomplete message:
The Bible speaks out so plainly against adultery and the misuse of sex, that it’s easy for a young Christian to misinterpret that to mean that sex as a whole is sinful.
In Christian circles we tend to spurt out the “sex is bad before marriage” anthem, without following it up with the “but sex after marriage will rock your socks off!” part.
So on their wedding day, a couple is expected to flip that switch to ‘sex is allowed…we now have a license’, and they spend the first few years of marriage floundering and silently struggling with what they’ve always been lead to believe: “God doesn’t want you to have sex…and He especially doesn’t want you to enjoy it!”. Resentment grows as they try and reconcile what they deeply desire in each other, and what they believe God expects of them.
“The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from ‘Thou shalt not’ to ‘Thou shalt—regularly and with great passion!’” – Dr. James Dobson
We need to clearly communicate that sex is like manure. Stick with me on this analogy, okay? It’s all about timing and placement. Manure is messy and inappropriate on the living room carpet…but deeply enriching and incredibly beneficial in the vegetable garden. Before marriage, sex is complicated and messy and dangerous…and after marriage it’s {complicated and messy, yes, but} purposeful and beautiful.
Okay, so that analogy only works to a degree. Seeing sex is quite fabulous on the living room carpet.
I digress.
Young, unmarried’s need to hear the whole message!
Christians should be having the best, most invigorating, creative sex ever!
We’ve got to stop feeding the lie that “good girls” don’t have fabulous sex with their husbands.
I strongly believe it’s the overflow of this faulty understanding about God’s heart toward sexuality that has many marriages in the church today suffering from a case of watered-down, resentment-laden sex. A far cry from the ever-growing, relational oasis it was designed to be.
And because no one talks about this, except maybe the Cosmopolitan-reading ‘bad girls’, we suffer in silence.
It’s a dangerous dynamic that has the potential to destroy a marriage if not addressed.
“Sex is the spice that rescues our relationships from becoming mundane pursuits of chores” – Bill & Pam Farrell.
If you even wondered how important sex was to God’s heart, notice that He dedicated an entire book to a detailed, juicy exploration of the topic.
Find some time to slip away and read Song of Solomon 2:3-17 and Song of Solomon 4:1-7. It’s steamy stuff!
You see, sex is like glue in marriage. The mortar of the marriage structure. It requires the ultimate sacrifice of vulnerability, humility, and selflessness. And it immediately creates a shift in the ‘climate’ of your relationship, and ultimately, in your home.
A sexless marriage will cause ripples in every area of your life. Nothing is unaffected. I realize this is a tough reality to accept, but know that there is always hope.
Hop{e} in the Sack:
God is a faithful provider of 2nd and 3rd and 79th chances, of grace, and redemption and transformation in your marriage There is always hope. Always.
But we need to be willing to press in and apprehend it.
I want this for my marriage. I always have.
…And it has meant dealing with the stupidity and shame of a past blemished with injustice and promiscuity. It has taken time. And tears. But it has been so very worth it.
…It takes a desire to be the wife God intended me to be. To be ever growing, and maturing, and stepping out of my comfort zone. To bless my husband’s socks off. Preferably, his pants.
…It means making an effort to get healthy, to choose the ‘best’ over the ‘good’, and to get comfortable in my skin, realizing that I am fearfully and wonderfully created. And that, despite the fact that my post-nursing boobs resemble fried eggs on hinges, my husband finds me ravishing.
…It takes keeping my priorities in check. And keeping the main thing, the main thing. And keeping in mind that one of the greatest gifts I can give my children, is to love their daddy extravagantly.
…it means guarding my heart against the temptation to dwell on my husbands short-comings and inadequacies, rather than focusing on all his incredible qualities and strengths. Our husbands will live up to what we believe about them…what are you believing about yours?
…it means me doing my part to guard his heart and protect his mind from temptation. A satisfied man has little urge to look elsewhere {notice I said ‘little’…not ‘no’ urge}.
…it means going out of my way to rekindle the spark; to smile at, to laugh and flirt with, the one my soul loves.
…And it’s about constantly dying to my nagging selfishness to have my needs met first.
When we step out and make an effort to invest in our marriages, God will always exceed our expectations.
Need a little extra motivation to seduce your hubby tonight? Check out these benefits to regular sexual intimacy, as documented by Dr. Daniel Amen in his book, Sex on the Brain…(it’s true what ‘they’ say…the biggest sex organ is indeed the brain)
Seminal fluid contains dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, vasopressin, testosterone and estrogen…all incredible hormones or neurotransmitters known to either enhance brain function, heart health, mood, fitness level, immunity, restfulness of sleep, it helps ease pain, improves bladder control, creates more regular menstrual cycles, has an antidepressant effect, and boosts overall health and longevity.
Isn’t that brilliant? How sweet of God to actually load semen with goodies beneficial to our health as women!
The Truth about Men and Sex:
Ever notice the connection between your husband’s ability to be fully engaged and enjoy friendly conversation with you, and the length of time it’s been since you were last intimate?
It’s wild, isn’t it? I don’t know what took me so long to figure this out…but it’s mind-blowing.
Men have an overwhelming physical need for sex, we all know this fact well. But did you know that a man’s sex drive is intricately connected to his ability to feel like a ‘real man’.
And surprisingly enough, they also have an overwhelming emotional need for sex. While they may not express it the way we do – that level of heart-naked-communication does not come naturally to men – our hubbies struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Making love makes them feel desired, it improves their confidence and self-esteem, and boosts their well-being and performance in every area.
Straight shooter, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, puts it this way…
“Men need validation. When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he’s very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need… I hold women responsible for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.”
Do we fully grasp, as wives, that when we said ‘I do’, we were committing to be our husband’s sole source of sexual satisfaction for the extend of our lives together. Sure, other {unhealthy} counterfeits threaten to creep in from time to time, but the responsibility to meet those God-given needs lies in our capable hands.
Because sex has the power to unlock your man’s emotions…and you’re the one holding the key…it is inconsiderate – and frankly, unChristlike – to withhold that gift from him.
Strong words, I know. But if we refuse to do our part, there will always be another eager to fill our shoes.
Our men no longer need to go looking for opportunities to sin sexually – it literally knocks at their door several times a day. We have the incredible ability {the power and honor} to help guard their hearts and minds in the fight.
Fight for your husband, beloved!
I chuckle when I think back to how I thought I was ‘all that and a bar of soap’ as a wife when we first got married, because I had made a commitment to not turn my husband down {and I can count on 1 hand the times I have in 8 years}, only to discover after a heart-wrenching conversation that this just wasn’t enough.
He didn’t just want a willing and compliant body…he longed for an involved, engaged partner in passion.
What a thought!
Our husbands don’t just want to be satisfied sexually…they need to feel desired, needed and wanted.
A survey done for ‘For Women Only’ showed that even if men were getting all the sex they wanted, three out of four men would still feel empty if their wife wasn’t both engaged and satisfied.
This takes intentionality and creativity on our part!
I am still working on initiating intimacy more and tangibly expressing my love for him in a language he is ridiculously fluent in. And what an incredible change I see in our friendship when I’m succeeding in this area!
So, step away from the computer for a moment {or twenty} and go jump your husband. I’ll wait…
*cue Barry White*
Welcome back! Now wasn’t that invigorating?!
Let’s get Technical
Just kidding. I wanted to see if you’re still with me. I’ll leave the technical mumbo-jumbo to the experts.
But there are a couple of things worth noting while I have your attention.
Our bodies are so very, very different, and while we do comprehend that on many levels, we often don’t realize the implication that has in the intimacy department.
Men are indeed like microwaves…hot and ready in a matter of nano-seconds, and satisfying them is relatively uncomplicated, comparable to a blindfolded attempt at ‘pin the tail on the donkey’. Women, on the other hand, are the {sadly infamous} crockpot. The one with a whole lot of buttons and knobs. You know the one. You’ve got to twist this 37 times, press that, move this lever 52 degrees clockwise, tweak this little button for 12 minutes and then pray it’s plugged in properly, because if it’s not…dude, you’ve got to start all over again!
Not really, but you get the point.
God made us this different on purpose! It takes time and effort and communication and a whopping dose of sense of humor to pull this stuff off! All valuable qualities to cultivate in a marriage.
Don’t give up…practice makes perfect!
I cannot stress enough how helpful it would be to read and learn about your bodies (check out the books and websites below)
Shaunti Feldhahn draws a parallel between the emotional trauma that would occur in your heart if your hubby were to suddenly stop communicating with you, and if you were to withdraw sexually from your husband. It creates the same type of chasm, relationally, and is very harmful to the trust and intimacy level in your marriage.
When we realize that our husband’s desire for connecting with us intimately goes deeper than a superficial, physical need for release, we may be more inclined to bless his heart by pursuing his body (and jumping his bones).
As a side note, and in talking about the importance of meeting his need for physical intimacy – which motivates a desire in him to meet our need for emotional intimacy, it would be remiss not to mention the wisdom {oh, husbands…are you listening?!} and importance of a man intentionally touching his wife’s heart first {it’s all about both partners selflessly giving 100%…not just a half-baked effort in the hopes you’ll meet in the middle).
*feel free to print this part out, highlight it, and stick the image below on your bathroom mirror*
Allow me to explain…
Mark Gungor talks in his series, Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage, about the access points to men’s and women’s hearts. Aptly named the “happy” place.
Okay…now put away any persnicketiness, dust off your sense of humor and work with me on this one, okay?
For a man to touch his wife’s {ahem}, he needs to access her heart first. Or as Mark succinctly puts it…”be nice to the girl!”. And as we’ve discovered, for us to really access our hubby’s hearts…we often need to touch his “happy place” first. Or at least make sure it’s getting enough, um…happiness.
Cue the oxytocin, and voila! It’s magical.
Or something.
Sex is a balm for their weary souls. Our husbands are out there everyday – them against the world – they desperately long for a safe place to come home to, to be completely real and vulnerable, and to be fully accepted and loved. Our desire for them fuels them in a way we will never fully understand {Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only}
Show Me Mine, And I’ll Show You Yours:
It’s amazing how easily – because they don’t always touch our hearts first – we put off meeting our men’s needs until we feel ‘primed’. And while it seems natural – after all, it’s really hard to be sexually vulnerable with someone you don’t feel you’re emotionally connected to – we’re basically declaring, “fill my emotional intimacy tank (while you’re running on the fumes of an oil rag)…and only then will I consider filling your physical intimacy tank. Me first. You second”.
I often struggle with this type of selfishness.
It’s times like this that I have to ask myself: “what am I doing to motivate his emotional love?”
It takes remembering the depth of love {1 Corinthians 13:4-7} I’m called to offer my precious man – that was first offered to me in the midst of my sin and rebellion – to correct my heart.
When I lay down self and meet his needs first – even when my tank is feeling empty – he is passionate about meeting my needs. It initiates an energizing cycle in my marriage.
And because God is brilliant and likes to show off…
“At any given time, the female brain contains up to ten times more oxytocin than the male brain. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that creates feelings of affection and empathy. You want to know why women tend to be more invested in close relationships than men? Oxytocin is one of the reasons.
There’s only one time in human experience when the husband’s level of oxytocin begins to approach that of his wife’s: immediately following an act of sexual intimacy. A man’s brain literally re-bonds with his spouse, making him, at that moment, more committed to his family, more satisfied with his wife, more invested in his home. Wives, why do your husbands want sex with you so often (whether they know this is the reason or not)? It’s because they never feel closer to you than immediately following that encounter.” Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage
Another fascinating little fact about oxytocin…because of the increase in this hormone during physical and emotional intimacy, and the cascade effect it has on us, the more sex women have…the more sex we want. And the same is true on the other end of the spectrum, the less we have, the less we want. So hop to it!
Again…God’s sweetness showing up between the sheets.
Just a few months ago, during a heart-to-heart, my hubby cautiously shared with me… “please touch me, honey…you don’t touch me any more”. My heart utterly broke at hearing this. I guess I had felt as though I was constantly touching others affectionately, and assumed he was in the mix…but it turns out my poor hubby wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I wasn’t even aware of how this was weighing on his heart.
It is of utmost importance that we learn our husband’s love language{s}…and become fluent in them!
I don’t want my husband to constantly be getting my left-overs. He needs to be prioritized – this is an incredibly important lesson I’m teaching my children…God first, marriage second, family third…that will affect how they prioritize their own adult lives.
Yes, I know, it is tough {impossible, actually} to meet everyone’s needs during the season of having little ones at home and underfoot. It isn’t easy to go from spit-up covered, yoga-pant clad mama…to sex kitten, at least not without a whole lot of time, energy, under-eye concealer and spanx assistance. We’re exhausted, over-stimulated, overwhelmed, semi-smothered and struggling with our self-image, but like with any fire…if we don’t tend to the coals and pay attention to the wood {ahem}, we’ll be left with smoldering embers. Or worse, a heap of ash.
And we’re aiming for red hot monogamy, remember?!
The Power of the Packaging:
I realize this has the potential to ruffle feathers, but it’s an essential piece to this puzzle, so hang tight.
Remember the early days? We dressed up, made the effort and put time and thought into our appearance while we were dating, and then over time, as our bellies expanded and baby puke became the new scent we wore, we let ourselves go a little.
And sloppy becomes the new normal. I can say this only because I gravitate towards it myself!
I have to be super intentional and prepared to be properly dressed on the ‘average’ day. And by properly, I mean ‘how I would want to be remembered if I ran into someone important at the store’. And isn’t our husband the most important person in our lives, any way? He should be.
It never ceases to amaze me what a difference it makes when I actually get dressed in the morning – do my hair, apply a little make-up, put on earrings, a spritz of perfume, etc. I feel better about myself…and so I carry myself differently. it makes a world of difference in my day.
It blesses our husbands when we make an effort to look good. It says, ‘I care about you, I love you, and I want to delight you in the way I look!”. Let’s once again do what we did before we said ‘I do’. Our effort means a lot to them.
As I mentioned above, we are still in a battle for our husband’s hearts. The phrase ‘it’s okay to look at the menu as long as you eat at home’ is absolute bollocks. And our husbands know it.
The Bible says that an affair of the heart is very much an affair {Matthew 5:27-28}.
It takes incredible effort and restraint to not look at other women, and while I’m ridiculously blessed to be married to a man who has made a covenant with his eyes (to not lust after another woman, and to guard his heart, and communicate honestly with me when he’s struggling), it’s still up to me to make sure that what’s being served up at home is appetizing.
Our husbands want to be proud of us, to feel that when other men see us together as a couple, there’s a sense of ‘oooh, he did well!’.
God created men to be visual creatures – don’t bemoan it and whine about it, work with it, sister! Take it up with their creator if you have an issue with it. And in case it needs to be said…”don’t be modest behind closed doors!”. Our husbands love being entrusted with the most intimate, brave, wild side of their wives.
Embrace your inner ‘goddess’…and for Pete’s sake, let her out a little more often.
Don’t forget that even sexier than our girly figure in the bedroom, is our Godly confidence in the bedroom! So let’s do what it takes to get comfortable in our skin. When we feel sexy…we are sexier to our men.
Uncovering the Heart of the Matter:
Ever notice that we can be kinder, more courteous, more polite and respectful to friends – or even complete strangers – than to the very one we committed to love and cherish. How sad is that?
As essential as our outer presentation is, our inner presentation is far more crucial.
The Bible says the power of life and death is in the tongue {Proverbs 18:21}.
We need to ask ourselves whether we are speaking life or death to our husbands, and over our marriages?
Along with our outer presentation, after a few years of marriage, our heart presentation, or attitude, can slip if we’re not careful. The once easy laughter and encouragement can become cold retorts and nagging.
Ever wonder what happened to the laughter and flirting and resilience you once enjoyed as friends?
Beloved, we need to fight for our friendship with our husbands…it’s a crucial color in this brilliant work of art.
Be intentional about smiling at him again whenever he walks into a room. Laugh easily. And stop being so easily offended. Learn to flirt again. Go ahead…pinch those cheeks!
Emerson Eggerichs talks extensively about this dynamic in his Love & Respect material. In short, as love is like oxygen to us – the life-currency we deal in, respect is like oxygen – or the currency of choice – to our husbands. They would rather feel alone and unloved, than inadequate and disrespected.
Don’t try to rationalize and understand this concept…it doesn’t make any sense to us because we’re wired so very differently than our men.
But do know that when our husbands feel disrespected, they often respond in a way that makes us feel unloved, which prompts further disrespect, and on and on it goes. Emerson refers to this theory as ‘the crazy cycle’ {as apposed to the ‘energizing cycle’ I mentioned before}.
Choose to speak life to your precious man {even if you’re not seeing the fruit of it with your earthly eyes} – and make it your mission in life to bring out the greatness God deposited in him! We have the ability to make or break our men.
It’s a {Spiritual} War out there, Baby!
I’m sure you know already that you have an enemy. But did you realize, it’s not your spouse?
It’s an enemy that scripture paints as a lion on the prowl, seeking whom he can devour.
We’re not talking “nibble” here, folks. But devour {read: destroy}
And you should know, he hates marriage. He is intent on distorting it, disenchanting it, and ultimately, destroying it.
Yours. And mine, to be exact.
He hates love. He is the very antithesis of love.
And marriage is one of the most tangible expressions of God’s extravagant love.
This might help us understand why “the fury of hell has been unleashed against it. God is telling a love story and the setting is war” {Love & War, John & Stasi Eldredge}
We daily fight the battle that is waged against our marriages. Well…actually, we can choose to take a stand and to fight, or we can continue on, blindly, and just get whacked repeatedly in the back of the head.
A way we can actively fight for our spouse – rather than with them – is to ask God to put a guard on our tongues and a filter on our hearts and minds.
Choose not to make ‘agreements’ with the enemy of our souls regarding your spouse.
You know the ones…those little internal rants, most of them drenched in negativity, sarcasm and criticism…”my husband is such a pig!”…”why do I even try, he just wants one thing!”…”he’ll never change, this marriage is never going to work!”
Identify the true author of these thoughts, recognize the destructive plot going on behind the scenes, and refuse to allow them to take root in your heart.
John & Stasi Eldredge explain that when these little agreements linger, like “tiny cracks in a structure”, they have the potential to become something incredibly destructive. “They might go away over time, but more often than not they become the beginnings of deeper fissures. Little cracks don’t matter much in your sidewalk, but in other places they matter a great deal – like airplane wings, for instance, or the Hoover Dam. Places that will come under immense pressure. Like marriage”
Travel Light {Looking Back}
If you know much about my testimony, you’ll know I had some mega sexual junk in my proverbial trunk.
My hubby and I had a lot to process through in the first few years of marriage. It was hard and uncomfortable, and down-right ugly at times, but we refused to be robbed of the gift God had given us in the multi-layered dessert of intimacy {emotional, spiritual and sexual}.
It is important that we not confuse punishment with consequences. When I dealt with my ‘stuff’ and accepted Christ’s forgiveness…I was no longer dragging that baggage along with me, and the freedom I felt was indescribable!
God does not punish us for our sin. He is not obsessed with sin {like some church groups}, he is obsessed with LIFE! When Jesus went to the cross, He took all our punishment upon himself, rendering us ‘unpunishable’.
But, as we mommies of little ones well know, there are always natural consequences for every action.
Do not confuse the two.
While my husband and I no longer carry the shame and heart-ache from the choices we made years ago, there are still consequences we have to work through as a couple because of those choices. God’s grace and mercy has lightened the load and enables us to learn and grow in the midst of pain, but rarely does He remove the consequences of the choices we make.
I would urge you to prayerfully look back and examine the guilt and shame you might be dragging along behind you. Sexual baggage doesn’t unpack itself, it simply slips into the bed beside you and makes connecting with your husband in spirit and truth that much harder to do.
There are some great inner-healing ministries that help bring freedom in these areas. Search them out and learn to travel light. It will be so worth it.
Quick! Tell the Children {that Married Sex Rocks!}
Our children need to hear it from us that sex is beautiful and powerful and a profound blessing from God.
When we awkwardly avoid the topic of sex, or keep changing the subject when their curiosity arises – we allow their peers and the media to plant the first seeds – we are no longer a credible source of information on this topic.
We have to be the authority on this subject in their young lives.
Laura M. Brotherson, in her book ‘And They Were Not Ashamed’ writes, “If you are too embarrassed or too unsure of yourself to teach your children, Satan gains free rein of their hearts and minds. . . . Embarrassment is a particularly effective tool he has found to keep parents from teaching their children eternal truths regarding the sanctity of sexuality.”
I love how my parents set the stage for us four girls. I’ll never forget the day my baby sister, who is about a decade younger than my older sister and I, grasped the full concept of ‘baby making’. She, with utter disgust on her face, counted her siblings on her hand and then reported back with horror…”you mean you and dad did that 4 times?!?”.
Without skipping a beat, with her signature ’naughty grin’, my mom replied…”oh honey, we do it all the time!”
I want that for my kids. To model a delight in our marriage. In our friendship. In our bedroom. Because when they know that mom and dad have a great sex life…rather than allowing them to believe that sex within marriage is non-existent…it speaks of a passion that’s worth waiting for.
“When parents focus only on premarital chastity and forget about preparing their children for the joys of sexual fulfillment in marriage, their message is skewed to the negative with mostly warnings and consequences rather than filled with the blessings and godly purposes of sex” – Dr. James Dobson
** I recently discovered an incredible teaching on this topic of building sexual character in our kids. It’s called Simple Truths and is done by Mary Flo Ridley. I wrote an overview of her teaching here: The Birds and The Bees…and some Tiny Apple Seeds.
Practical Ideas to Turn Up The Heat:
* Check your price-tag and get your identity and value straight! Ask your doting Heavenly Father to remind you of your value. When you really grasp how much He loves you, and the price He paid to spend eternity with you, it’s hard to stop that radiance and confidence from overflowing into every area of your life.
* Take some time to invest in yourself, and set some goals {put more thought into your daily wardrobe, get out and walk more, eat more healthily, spend more time in the word allowing God to transform your heart}. The better you feel about yourself, the more apt you are to confidently offer yourself as a gift to your husband.
* Flirt! If the brain is the largest sex organ, and we’re slow cookers, it helps to start thinking about gettin’ cozy with your hubby early on during the day. Plan a little. Get creative. And prepare your heart to bless your man when the opportunity arises.
* Swap date night with close friends every (or every other) week so you can get out with your beloved at least once a month. I love that my kids are watching me date their daddy…it models our priorities and expresses the delight we find in our relationship. If finances are tight, have date night at home – but beware, if you’re not intentional about putting it on the calendar, it won’t happen.
* Invest in your friendship. Make a point of smiling at your husband. And laugh! It’s astounding to me how quickly we stop smiling and laughing with our ‘forever boyfriends’ once the routine of everyday life sets in. Laughter truly is a powerful medicine and it has a mysterious way of knitting your hearts together.
* Guard your sanctuary. Turn off the TV in your bedroom {or if you’re brave…remove it all together}, remove the clutter, dust off the candles and turn your boudoir into a romantic haven for you and your lover {maybe invest in a good lock for the door}.
* Just go with it! Don’t let your level of interest keep you from engaging. When it comes to women, desire often occurs after arousal. And remember, the more you do it…the more you’ll want to. I dare you to test that theory!
* Be prepared…if sex isn’t messy, you aren’t doing it right (stock up: mints, towels, wet wipes, astroglide, etc.) 
* Don’t be afraid to get creative! Predictability can extinguish sensuality. God has given us such freedom in this arena, it is we who tends to box it in and label things as “good” or “bad”. There are some excellent books on inspiring creativity in your bedroom, take a peek at the list below.
Print off some ‘Oooh la la! Love coupons’ by clicking here, saving to your desktop, printing and snipping.
* Do ‘it’ first on date night – it’s amazing how the dynamic shifts when we slip in a little intimacy before date night (when possible). Our emotional connection is so much sweeter, it takes the pressure off being too tired when you get home…and who knows, maybe you’ll get to blow his mind with round# 2.
* Put it on the schedule – as odd as that may sound, it works. We find time for things that are important to us…but when we fail to plan, we plan to fail. Make it a priority (with a smiley face on the calendar) and that way you always know you’ll connect at least once a week when life gets hectic.
* Choose to focus on your husband’s strengths and positive qualities. Nothing will squelch your desire to get cozy faster than a foul, negative attitude toward your husband. Be intentional about bringing out the gold in him…remember, you have the power to make your man great, or break him down completely!
* Learn the fine art of the quickie – my mom offered this wise advice to me before I got married. She’s a smart woman. Enough said.
* Try praying with your husband before intimacy. While it seems odd, it’s incredibly powerful. We tend to separate God from sex, which hopefully after reading all this, you’ll be less inclined to do. Rather, invite God into the midst of your passion – it was His idea, after all.
* Don’t be afraid to get educated on this topic…there are so many excellent books that both educate and encourage fabulous sex in marriage. See below.
* Enlist some help! I have a few precious girlfriends who are wonderful at checking in with me from time to time and making sure I’ve seduced my husband lately. We have great conversations – both inspiring and convicting, but always honoring – about intimacy. We challenge each other onto greater passion! Vulnerable accountability is a real gift in this area.
* Ask God to increase your desire for your husband and reveal His heart on this topic to you. Prayer is powerful. And believe it or not, God wants to increase the passion in your marriage even more than you do…and He’s endlessly resourceful!
Max Lucado tells the story of a newlywed couple who, in the wee hours of the morning after their wedding, arrived at their ‘bridal suite’ with great expectations. What they were met with was beyond disappointing. Where were the flowers and fruit and chocolate…and more importantly, the 4 poster bed, they had seen in the brochure? What a horrible mistake this must be. Too exhausted – and preoccupied with the promise of the greatly anticipated horizontal tango {I’m paraphrasing here} – they decide to take it up with management in the morning.
After an uncomfortable night on a lumpy pull-out sofa in the small, stuffy room, the new husband heads down to the manager’s desk to give him a piece of his mind.
After listening patiently for a few minutes, the desk clerk asks…”did you open the door, sir?”.
Aaah, yes. The door.
After sheepishly returning to his room in search of ‘the door’, they open what they had assumed was a closet door, and are left speechless by the extravagance that lays before them. A stunningly decorated, spacious room, boasting fresh flowers and fruit, chocolates…and the sprawling 4 poster bed.
So precious ones, I ask you…have you opened the door?
Or are you unknowingly camping out in the stuffy, awkward entrance-way to the true blessing God designed for you to enjoy? Refuse to be robbed of the richness of this gift.
We need to fight to reclaim what God intended as a powerful, life-giving gift to husbands and wives.
It’s time to rediscover red hot monogamy.
Are you in?
If you made it this far…let me just say, wow, I’m impressed! I apologize for the pounding headache that is, by now, causing your exhausted eyeballs to protrude from your noodle. You’re a real trooper!
Okay, so where do we go from here?
There are some phenomenal resources out there to help increase the sizzle factor in your marriage. I’ve listed just a few below, but please keep in mind that while they are from trust-worthy and reputable authors and sources, you will occasionally stumble upon something that might not sit well with you. Don’t freak out, friend. Remember that you and your husband have to find your own comfort zone within the vast freedom God has offered us in this area. I don’t personally agree with little bits and pieces of information mentioned within some of these materials, but I also realize that it’s based on my preference and my understanding of this topic, and I refuse to throw the baby out with the bathwater. We are all so different…and God created us that way.
With that being said…check out the good stuff below!
Excellent books on marital intimacy:
- For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn
- Red Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle by Bill & Pam Farrel
- Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman
- Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Creating Intimacy to Make Your Marriage Sizzle by Dr. Kevin Leman
- The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim & Beverly LaHaye
- Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage by Ed & Gaye Wheat
- Intimacy Ignited: Fire Up Your Sex life with the Song of Solomon by Dr. Joseph & Linda Dillow, Dr. Peter & Lorraine Pintus
- And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura M. Brotherson
- The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner Davis
- Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage by Mark Gungor
Two of our all-time favorite books on marriage:
- Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
- Love & War: Find Your Way To Something Beautiful in Your Marriage by John & Stasi Eldredge
Great sites dedicated to making marriages sizzle:
- Sexually Confident Wives
- The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband
- The Intimate Couple
- The Marriage Bed
- CWives {Making Marriages Sizzle}
- Christian Nymphos
- The Mark Gungor Show
And to that, I say…{chink!}…here’s to some smokin’ red hot monogamy, baby!
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